20 Weeks

I have finally reached the halfway point. Yay! I can tell that Ashley is continuing to grow strong as her little kicks are becoming more prominent each day. I most often feel just the pressure of one foot (maybe both) at my side. She will stretch one or both legs (I can't tell) against my abdomen and I can feel a very small lump in my belly. If I put my hands on that lump, I can feel it move a little, but usually just shrinks right back down as she relaxes her legs.

In order to try to manage my high blood pressure somewhat, I have begun eating more fruits including bananas (which I really HATE) to get more potassium in my diet. So far, I have not really noticed this making a difference in my blood pressure, it certainly has not gotten any higher than it has been, but what I have noticed is that I seem to have more energy throughout the day and fewer headaches. Also, I had tried completely eliminating caffeinated beverages from my diet, but it seemed like my headaches only got worse. Therefore, I have found that one or two small caffeinated beverages per week really help me to control my headaches such as a half of a cup of coffee or a a half glass of soda.

Just recently, I have actually had a little bit of anxiety towards having this baby, and I mean a very little bit. For the most part, I am excited at the idea of raising a little girl. And at the same time, I am wondering if I am ready to be a mother or if I will be an adequate mother. I'm not sure that this feeling would be any less if I were a bit older. I believe it is more like a lack of experience. Perhaps it is like learning to ride a horse, you can be pretty nervous your first try but once you get the hang of it, riding is as natural as walking. I hope I am have a natural talent at being a mother. I hope it will feel like second nature to me. Right now, it just feels a little alien. Being worried about my health right now certainly does not help. I worry that my raised blood pressure will have a negative effect on my baby girl. The only way I know how to deal with it is to put my cares in God's hands and not worry too much myself, but instead remember that He is in complete control.

On a different note, I don't really think I will miss being pregnant like some women do. I am already anxious to hold my daughter in my arms. I am looking forward to being able to restrengthen my body when she is no longer inhabiting it like a little parasite. Actually, I mean that endearingly. In truth, I grow more attached to her each passing day even though she is not even born yet. As she grows, my love for her grows. I love her more today than I did yesterday, but not as much as I will love her tomorrow. The very same has always been true of her father, my husband, my very best friend. We're gonna be alright. Still, I can't wait until I can see her sweet little face.